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A curiously small book is chained to the wall, not due to it's value, but due to it's unique status of being owned by all, yet to be disposed of and replaced every season. The very concept of a periodically published volume seems wasteful, and the content droll, but it makes up for more casual reading than some of the stuffier tombes. "Superior Cottages and Fiefdoms", it calls itself, with the cover encouraging the reader to read the featured article by Jennifer Parham.
This summer, we caught up with some of the notable citizens about town, and asked them about their preferred summer treats. We start off with Marauder, owner and proprietor of Paper Mache Willys, whose answer should surprise no one.
"Steak." he said, simply, elaborating only when pressed by the reporter. "Fads and gimmicks are only distractions for people who can't cook a basic food right. If you enjoy steak, eat a steak. If you want it with asiago aioli, you can add it yourself. Somewhere else. And cook your own steak, too."
A predictable answer, yet salient as ever. For entertaining more formally, we consulted with Queen Zaboo herself. Although she doesn't have the time to prepare dishes herself, she expressed a fondness for "Tres gros rouge" punch, a sensation from the continent. (And perhaps not the one you're thinking!)
Her chef advises that two parts water to one part sugar should be boiled together, and stirred gently together with effervescent water, vanilla, citrine oils, yellow #5, yellow #6, and sodium benzoate for freshness.
The very skilled Jean Phillipe Fantoche keeps it rather simple, expousing the merits of a simple loaf of bread. He admits that he has sampled it toasted, and even splurged the extra copper once for a loaf expertly sliced in advance by the chef, but says he finds the latter wasteful of coin, and the former the kind of activities best kept to the weekend.
Harris Doe gave, pun intended, a very distasteful answer when asked, but later, unprompted, insisted with great concern that his recipe be printed in full, lest he be blamed for any culinary misadventures.
"Take a leg of lamb and butterfly it about the bone. Trim tendons and fat, keeping it aside. Marinate overnight in olive oil, dijon mustard, rosemary, and the juice of one lemon. Do not pat dry afterwards.
Cook upon rested coals that glow healthily, but have a layer of ash, upon a grill half a foot above.
Cook until the thick parts still bleed, and the thin parts are crispy. Render fat and whisk in flour for gravy, serve with overbuttered mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts, and crosscut green beans. Salt heavily, consume leftovers cold. To be served on holy days, and the youngest of the family is allowed to lick the carving knife."
The forest is alive with culinary delights in the summer- while the "woman of the woods" claims that bezoars are the sweetest they've ever been, Abigail Tansin brings us closer to conventional tabletops. "Hunters and gatherers like to talk about hunting big prey. While it doesn't make for nearly the same kind of bragging, you'll fill your belly a lot more reliably if you can identify all of the small things around you, and snack as you go."
Admittedly, this reporter attempted to pry about any potential rivalry with her and other hunters. "Nice try. A few different preferred methods isn't about to make me declare someone is or isn't a real true hunter." she said confidently. Still, she made sure to let us know that her methods were nothing to balk at. "I keep hearing talk of not being wasteful, yet other hunters act like they don't know you can brine deer antlers for a week or two to soften 'em up. Personally I just like the classic crunch of right off the forest floor."
David Aurelian, head of the Bards, seemed hesitant, as if he had something to hide. "Uh... chicken, I guess? Who are you again?" he said, halfway answering a question with another question, even if it had an answer tucked in there.
To be fair, this reporter is new on the beat, and thought it was actually a bit strange that he was the only one to question my identity. Most, such as Jark de Guernica, were more than happy to talk of their favorites, practically rushing ahead of Dave to volunteer it.
"The quintessential summer treat of all is the tangy, salty, and sweet tastes of the ocean within El Viaje de un Marinero. In a classic act of Guernican derision of the enemy, it celebrates the pillaging of a desert fortress and execution of it's Sultan by depicting the act in seafood, something the Sultan died without enjoying. In order to support the complex dioramic nature of each "actor" made up of prawns, whelks, cockles, horseshoe crabs, and spider crabs, the entire thing is set in an extremely thick tallow aspic. To simply make such a thing without the salt melting the aspic is a true accomplishment."
He went on, and even gave the full recipe along with each corresponding historical figure each food represents, but the directions to create an eight foot long by three foot thick historical reinactment feast simply would not fit here. Jark encourages readers to seek him out in person for details on how to make their own, but it does mention to add mustard to taste, so there is at least room to give it one's unique flair.
Several we asked had short or confusing answers- Royal Guard Nippon had a lot to say, getting quite heated about it, but unfortunately I was unable to transcribe any of it at the manic pace it was given. A passerby named Muzz suggests that heavy cream can be used in place of milk to make a milkshake of unprecedented richness and indulgence, but warns that a nap is practically a requirement afterwards. Walter Weisbaum recalls his time in the war eating what he lovingly referred to as "Glue", potatoes mixed with enough hard cheese that a spoon stuck upright into the stuff will stand there- and stand still when the bowl is turned upside down! Unsurprisingly, he insists the dish can be used as actual glue, but assures us that it's more edible than it sounds.
When given this assignment, I saved one person for last, knowing he would offer up answers if nobody else did, and no points are given for guessing who it is.
"Oh, the possibilities are endless!". He was, obviously as excited to be asked as I was to ask him. "It seems silly that so many classic summer dishes are so heavy, such as barbacued meats. However, those are to give you the energy you need to have fun. Pick your activity, and never be afraid to fuel it appropriately. On days in which it's simply too hot to move, I like to keep a bowl of mixed fruit as closeby as possible, as cold as possible. Remember to stack your cellars tight while storing to preserve that winter cold as long as you can!"
"I've even been contacted by a sweetsmaker who is interested in making iced creams of me!" he says, reminding us to look for the yellow packaging and his familiar face. He assures me that regardless of where you live, they will soon be on shelves near you.
As much fun as it was to indulge him in listing his favorite foods, it's no surprise that he enjoys most everything, so I inquired about the plump bird ready for the roaster tucked under his arm.
He has since forgiven me, but he was horrified, as I had mistaken his dining companion for dinner. "Hrelmford is NOT for eating!" he said, hugging the chicken defensively. "Hrelmford needs complex nutrition to ensure healthy down feathers and a pert comb. That's why I've been trying to combine multiple foods into one, so that one meal might have the nutrition of three. It's a serious challenge, but I'm making progress."
I asked if the chicken does any tricks, in hopes of finding some meat for another article. Hap seemed ambivalent on the subject. "Uh... I think he used to be housebroken. But I can't really expect him to contain all that nutrition. I'm good at cooking, but when you try to fold a meat pocket into a corn husk, and get that around a bacon nub... I think I need some help with geometry at this point."
Although it could be taken as distasteful to end on that note, I feel there is a far more postive way to look at it. Our citizens have already met the pedestrian challenges of a few summer treats here and there, and are now boldly trailblazing into new realms of unknown culinary waters. What could show up on the menu next season is anyone's guess.
[Editor's note- the iced creams mentioned by Happastance have been disallowed due to a translation error. Instead of the requested gumballs for eyes, regular marbles were used. If this has affected you or your loved ones, please contact Superior Cottages and Fiefdoms for a written apology.]
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